So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
i just google imaged poop.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
