the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
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