never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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