The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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