I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
