I wish you could order shots online.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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