btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
