I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
She just used a chaser for red wine.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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