i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
