I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
