I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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