I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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