I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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