every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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