new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
