Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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