I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
