i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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