Just fell off a train. Bad.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
