i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
