It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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