i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
