meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
