i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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