He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
