I smell stomach acid.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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