swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
