Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
