There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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