mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
He keeps bees of course he's weird
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Randomize