Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
