Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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