he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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