I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
