Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
