I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
