$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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