Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
