I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
