listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
