I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
