I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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