I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
