Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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