True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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