Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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