this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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