And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
