as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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