I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
