I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
