She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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