Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
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