She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
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