I understand why you refuse to be sober now
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
