It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
