I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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